Dearness Only

gives everything its value...

Closure...

God has answered my prayer.

It has been almost nine weeks and I am feeling amazing.  I don’t miss him, I don’t regret anything, I feel free from the whole thing and I’m feeling much stronger in myself.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that God did answer my prayer.  But I am.  Surprised and delighted.

My biggest fear was that I was going to be tied to my grief indefinitely and that it would rob me of more than had already been taken.  But just as I asked (begged and pleaded) God has healed me up.

And now I’m smiling again.  Inside and out.

Thanks for listening. xx

Haywo posted this and it made me feel lovely.

    this is how we know what love is...

    @annahaywo -

    right. have decided to opt for shamelessness and just ask: anyone want to be my date to a wedding in june?! it has a ceidligh.......

    ketoketo@annahaywo ohhhhh pick me pick me!

    now that is real love. she lives in australia. and she really would come to this wretched wedding if i really asked her.

    let's hear it for hawkso.. i love my friends.
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“ Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. ”

- Louise Erdrich (via littlemiss)
audiogasm: ethica: commonscape: via http://ineedchemicalx.deviantart.com/art/Lava-Diffuses-89224102

audiogasm:

ethica:

commonscape:

via http://ineedchemicalx.deviantart.com/art/Lava-Diffuses-89224102
“ The irony of love is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out that you love someone right after that person has walked out of your life. Sometimes you think you’re already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them, just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, letting go is one way of expressing how much they love a person, but for others it’s holding on to that special feeling as long as possible before it fades away. Most relationships tend to fail not because of the absence of love, love is always present, it’s just that one was being loved too much and the other wasn’t being loved enough. We all know that the heart is the center of the body, but it beats on the left. maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just a pass time, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. So here’s a piece of advice: let go when you are hurting too much. Give up when you or the other believes love isn’t enough, and move on when things are not like before. there is someone out there who will honestly love you, and only then will you know true love. ”

- (via springzephyr) (via justlia) (via iamblessed)
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Look what I found...

I found this musing in my drafts, and realised I never posted it. I remember writing it about a month ago in a time of utter exhaustion and frustration.  It’s strange to reflect on this now, because it was such a short time ago and yet I feel I have moved so far since then.  I only have a faint echo of this in my head and heart right now.  Which is good.  But again, it was part of the journey so I’m posting to process…  Thank you Jesus for being so kind to me through all this.

Tired.  Tired, tired, tired.  Sick of being tired. 

Scared of life stretching out indefinitely with no change on the horizon.  Stuck with a mortgage I don’t want, stuck in a career I’m not sure about and I have no clarity or peace about what is ahead. 

So unbelievably scared of feeling like this for a long time. 

I feel like my life has been put on hold without my permission but I don’t have the password that lets me access my “account” and change the settings… 

The rage is starting to ebb and flow.  It comes in brief flashes generally. Especially when I feel I’ve been made a fool of and when I feel robbed by the one person I trusted the most.  Which happens just about every time I have to tell someone that he broke up with me.  Which is about every day at the moment.  

I don’t miss him.  I don’t know what I feel towards him, because I’m not really aware of feeling anything.  It’s weird to feel the numbness like this.  I just feel totally shut down towards him other than the sporadic flashes of rage and the night time tears.  Mostly I just feel utterly spent.

But it was my choice to be with him.  I knew there was a risk.  I had confidence in me and in him and felt led by God.  So I can’t be too angry with him because I knew what I was getting into. 

I think I just put more faith in him than he had in himself and I defo had more faith in our dear Lord than he had in himself.  I can’t reconcile how he can live his life the way he does and maintain that he doesn’t know God.  Makes no sense to me. There is so much of God in him. 

Brain is so addled.  Can’t think.  Can’t concentrate.  Amazed I still have a job.  I can’t remember stuff, I don’t sleep well and I just feel awful all the time.  Decision making abilities nullified.  And it makes me mad because I didn’t choose this.  I just have to deal with the fallout.

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littlemiss: Haha :).

littlemiss:

Haha :).
“ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. ”

-

Mark Twain

Over the years I have been both the priority and the option.  Hopefully I am wiser now.
(via littlemiss)

(via littlemiss)

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