Dearness Only

Depressurisation…

I have had a strange week. 

It has been full of lovely friends and classic moments which have made me smile and feel lighthearted, and yet the pain intensified with every day that passed.

Tis a little surreal.  Surreal but nice… Not really nice, but whatever it is, I’m up for it because it means things are shifting and coming more into focus.  Before it felt like I had emotional cataracts - I was aware of everything out there but not really able to see it clearly.

I have cried more this week than any other week so far.  I have hurt more this week than any other week so far.  I have felt more angry and frustrated this week than any other week so far.  I have felt more exhausted this week than any other week so far.

I am practising telling myself truths about the situation.  I don’t want to be one of those girls who tries to sugar coat the reasons why to make it feel better or less pathetic.  Lying to oneself or to others is never helpful.

Certainly there is a sanitised version of events I recant to people who I don’t feel safe with or who I can’t be bothered trying to make understand.  Honestly, how do I explain him to other people?  It’s ridiculous to even try.  But I need to be able to speak the truth about this situation to myself at least. And to you.

This means that I need to stop juggling all the hot potatoes involved in heartbreak and just grab hold of them, let them scald me, and then put my hands in some cold water, be still, and heal.

So I have started to practise saying things I hate to hear but need to accept.

For example:

• He chose to cut me out of his life.

Then I wait for all the associated emotions to bubble up and instead of pushing them away I force myself to sit still and just feel them.  The results vary from climbing to the top of cliffs to scream where no one can hear me, through to silent tears. 

It is a hideous process.  To grapple with rejection, doubt, confusion, frustration, anger, desperation, exhaustion and fear all at the same time and remain sane.  To go to work every day and try not to think about it and fail.  To be reminded at almost every turn of every day that he is not there anymore and there is nothing you can do about it.

It is a difficult but well travelled road to be sure. 

I find myself increasingly drawn to stories and people who have gone through similar situations.  Stupid things like watching Carrie get dumped by Big in Sex and the City, reading about stupid Bella being abandoned by Edward in the Twilight series and sharing Eleanor’s disappointment in Sense and Sensibility.  It makes me feel less alone regardless of whether they’re fictional or not.

I am desperate to expedite this process.  I want to face it head on and just get it over with so I can move on with my life.  It might be a tall order, but I just want to find some sense of closure and clarification as quickly as possible - while giving due respect to the process - and then move forward peacefully and in the knowledge that everything is going to be ok, in Jesus’ name.