Dearness Only

Remarkable me?

I am single.

This means I am available.

Therefore it is now “open season” for me (or on me? I don’t really know which.)

But it’s a case of see no evil hear no evil in that I have no idea what I’m doing.

Sigh…

And so starts the next phase…

Let me preface. One of my most constant prayers over the past seven weeks has been that this process would be a quick one. That I wouldn’t be trapped for any longer than was absolutely necessary in this circumstance that is not of my choosing.

I have asked, begged and pleaded with our dear Lord that he would expedite this process so I can move on with my life and I don’t end up some miserable, morbidly obese 47-year-old spinster who has to be forklifted out of the house.

And lo and behold I feel as though things are starting to shift. I’ve gone from having one of the most painful post-breakup weeks in the history of the universe to feeling remarkably ok.

Don’t get me wrong, I think I still have another bucket or two of tears in me and there are many layers that will need to be pulled back and dealt with, but for the first time since March 19 I’m feeling a little better.

I feel as though I’ve more fully understood the reasons why; accepted the reality of his situation; reconciled my choices and, for the most part, laid to rest hopes and dreams that were attached to him. Or at least laid the groundwork for this to be true.

So armed with past experience, the bewitching dream that a fulfilling, reciprocal relationship might one day be mine, and knowing that all I can do is trust it all to Jesus, I have tried to do all the “right” things one should do when trying to patch up a broken heart.

I have cut off all contact, kept busy, processed regularly and prayed a lot. And it’s been so hard, but it’s freaking working.

But this inevitably leads to new questions. I have found myself wondering how to be single. When the time comes, how I should go about “attracting”. Do I smother myself in honey and wait at a fancy wine bar for a guy to roll up and buy me a drink? Should I buy a man sized butterly net or do I simply join christianmingle.com?

I have no idea, but all of a sudden I find myself habitually blow drying my hair and using concealer. What the hell has happened to me? Under normal circumstances I could be showered, dressed and ready to rock in 20 minutes. Now it takes me 25 and I’m left wondering what that extra five minutes represents.

This thought was nagging me all evening as I visited a new church and no handsome men came to sweep me off my feet immediately after the service. It nagged me again as I checked my email and there were no responses from christianmingle suitors*.

So while I went to pick up a pizza from the local Italian tonight, I caught myself wondering what was remarkable about me. Because if he didn’t want me, then who would? Why did no friendly, single men talk to me at the bar on Saturday or at church tonight?

This line of questioning then led into even more frightening territory: What differentiates me from the vast throng of single, Christian girls in my situation? Why would someone pick me over all the other lovely, single ladies out there?

I didn’t think this in a tortured, martyr type way, but all the same I found myself asking that dreaded question: Will a good man see something special in me?

I know you love me and will, of course, be frantically compiling a list of my more endearing qualities to encourage me with, and of course I know that I’m nice and not overly repellent to the opposite sex. But despite this I am, rather embarrassingly, in the midst of some sort of crisis of confidence.

I spent last night at a fairly schmancy bar full of attractive future architects - all of whom did not speak to me. I went to a church full of nice, single men tonight and the only two people who spoke to me were married.

Because of course now that I am single the eligible masses should come flocking. Don’t I deserve that courtesy at least? Surely there is some sort of 6ft1 consolation prize for getting my ass handed to me?

Am I too fat? To tall? Too intimidating? Too aloof? Too warm? Do I smell bad? Should I fake tan more regularly (or at all)? Am I boring? Do I need a fascinating hobby or a more glamorous career? Did I miss the mark with my carefully casual jeans, cardi and scarfe outfit tonight?

What do I do to get nice, single men to talk to me?

I have no freaking idea. But it terrifies me that I might be taking the extra five minutes to blow dry my hair for nothing.

So, please insert well meaning Christian relationship platitudes here. I’ve got a few to start the ball rolling:

• God has got someone amazing for you.
• When you least expect it, it will happen.
• You’re an amazing catch. Heaps of guys (who are apparently unable to cross a room to communicate with you) would love to ask you out.

Ahhh amore… Tis a funny old game. I’m not ready to go there yet and christianmingle.com is still a ways off, but these are the thoughts that are in my head. And, as terrifying as they are, I think they are evidence of progress.

*Please feel free to perform a lobotomy on me if I ever join Christianmingle.com