Dearness Only
gives everything its value...
Three weeks…
It’s been three weeks.
The longest I have not seen or heard from him in years.
Three weeks since he called it off. Three weeks since he said he cared about me but couldn’t commit to me because of his current emotional and spiritual challenges. Three weeks since it became “fairer” to me for us to break up.
So basically, it’s been three weeks since he decided that he didn’t love me enough.
Even though I thought he did. All evidence pointed to this conclusion. That we loved each other deeply and knew how much richer we were for having the other.
It’s been three weeks of the most intense pain I think I’ve ever experienced.
I’m feeling it much more deeply this time. It’s voraciously personal and profound and I am afraid to allow myself to look at it fully in the face for fear of what it might do to me.
Because when he asked me to be his again, it was a much more profound choice. I made sure that he asked me. I waited for him to tell me that this time was for keeps. We had been without each other for four years and after all that time, we acknowledged that we had carried the other in some form or another ever since we had been apart.
It was the second time around for us. And because we had had a first time, I was extra careful. I made sure I was sure before I gave myself over to anything. I had asked all the hard questions and weighed up the variables - and there were unique variables that needed to be weighed and measured for us. It was a considered, challenging and rich choice.
And I thought it was right.
So I’m utterly shocked that I’m now sitting here, writing this to you.
It came out of the blue. I had no say in the matter. It wasn’t because of anything I did or didn’t do. It was something that happened to me. I was not included in the decision making process. Largely because I didn’t know such a process was being undertaken.
I said to a friend the other day that I felt the most apt description of the situation was that I was collateral damage. That there was a conflict happening that had nothing to do with me, but I was in close enough proximity to get caught in the crossfire.
And as a result, I’m completely heartbroken.
