Dearness Only
gives everything its value...
![Comparative Grief…
One of the things that has surprised me most has been how embarrassed I have felt about my grief.
I’ve wanted to sort of hide it away and not acknowledge it, even with people I love and trust.
I have found myself qualifying things I say with comments like:
“I know this isn’t a huge deal compared to [insert weighty and profound suffering here]”…
or
“I know this isn’t anything compared to what you went through but…”
And a dear friend gently pointed out to me that I was doing this. That I was comparing my suffering to other people’s suffering as though I was ashamed of my situation or that I felt it shouldn’t be affecting me the way it is.
But I still feel a bit funny about it, so I need to put out a disclaimer to the entire world:
I realise that compared to poverty, war, corruption, death, marital betrayal and global financial crises, my suffering is not great. Please know that in the grand scheme of the world, I realise I am a miniscule cog and that relationships end all the time and people survive just fine. Sorry if I ever sound as though I’m losing perspective. I understand that I am blessed beyond all reasonable measure.
That said, I now need to give due respect to the emotional rollercoaster I’m currently riding.
Because whichever way you look at it, the bottom has fairly well dropped out of my world.
And yet I can say that I’m coping. I don’t know whether that is because I haven’t fully acknowledged the depths of the emotions inside me just yet, or whether I’m just a coper. I don’t really care, I just need to feel like it’s ok for me to be completely wretched and want to wail and scream and cry and rage and hyperventilate because of the pain. But right now I don’t feel like that’s an option for me.
I can’t even seem to cry for more than a few seconds at a time and they’re always silent tears. It’s all clogged up inside me. I wonder if on a subconscious level I’m worried that I’ll frustrate or bore people or that they won’t understand my reason for losing the plot. So I choose to be fairly stoic most of the time, which is ridiculous and I think may be contributing to my constant nausea. I think the best way to describe it is “emotional constipation”. Isn’t that a lovely turn of phrase?!
I had a dream last week that he arrived at a dinner party I was at. In the dream, as soon as I saw him I started sobbing uncontrollably and ended up falling to the floor literally wailing and wasn’t able to walk. It was pretty intense and really shook me up when I awoke. But I wonder if I need to do something like that in real life to help cleanse the system. I also wonder if I could allow myself to get that raw and messy over this.
Oh to be ethnic right now… They have the wailing thing sussed.
It’s ok for me to grieve. It’s ok for me to grieve. It’s ok for me to grieve.
I’m like the emotional equivalent of the little engine that could…
picture via:
caitlinwinner:
Cake Deconstructed](http://24.media.tumblr.com/EIOa5HJ39l4472ia2ZqEbAdko1_400.jpg)
Comparative Grief…
One of the things that has surprised me most has been how embarrassed I have felt about my grief.
I’ve wanted to sort of hide it away and not acknowledge it, even with people I love and trust.
I have found myself qualifying things I say with comments like:
“I know this isn’t a huge deal compared to [insert weighty and profound suffering here]”…
or
“I know this isn’t anything compared to what you went through but…”
And a dear friend gently pointed out to me that I was doing this. That I was comparing my suffering to other people’s suffering as though I was ashamed of my situation or that I felt it shouldn’t be affecting me the way it is.
But I still feel a bit funny about it, so I need to put out a disclaimer to the entire world:
I realise that compared to poverty, war, corruption, death, marital betrayal and global financial crises, my suffering is not great. Please know that in the grand scheme of the world, I realise I am a miniscule cog and that relationships end all the time and people survive just fine. Sorry if I ever sound as though I’m losing perspective. I understand that I am blessed beyond all reasonable measure.
That said, I now need to give due respect to the emotional rollercoaster I’m currently riding.
Because whichever way you look at it, the bottom has fairly well dropped out of my world.
And yet I can say that I’m coping. I don’t know whether that is because I haven’t fully acknowledged the depths of the emotions inside me just yet, or whether I’m just a coper. I don’t really care, I just need to feel like it’s ok for me to be completely wretched and want to wail and scream and cry and rage and hyperventilate because of the pain. But right now I don’t feel like that’s an option for me.
I can’t even seem to cry for more than a few seconds at a time and they’re always silent tears. It’s all clogged up inside me. I wonder if on a subconscious level I’m worried that I’ll frustrate or bore people or that they won’t understand my reason for losing the plot. So I choose to be fairly stoic most of the time, which is ridiculous and I think may be contributing to my constant nausea. I think the best way to describe it is “emotional constipation”. Isn’t that a lovely turn of phrase?!
I had a dream last week that he arrived at a dinner party I was at. In the dream, as soon as I saw him I started sobbing uncontrollably and ended up falling to the floor literally wailing and wasn’t able to walk. It was pretty intense and really shook me up when I awoke. But I wonder if I need to do something like that in real life to help cleanse the system. I also wonder if I could allow myself to get that raw and messy over this.
Oh to be ethnic right now… They have the wailing thing sussed.
It’s ok for me to grieve. It’s ok for me to grieve. It’s ok for me to grieve.
I’m like the emotional equivalent of the little engine that could…
picture via:
Cake Deconstructed
