Dearness Only

My worst enemy…

Is me.

I am rubbish at asking for help.

I’m so used to holding things together. Or at least experiencing things that are shallow enough that I can outwardly process them.

But I feel stuck in my syrupy, globular emotions and it’s a little exhausting.

One of the bi-products of this whole schmozzle is that my confidence has pretty much headed for the hills.  It’s quite comedy what a large set back can do to your ability to reason and be rational…

So, I have a favour to ask.  Pretty please can you help me?

Call me. Text me. Invite me. Look after me at parties and social functions because I might appear fine and smiley, but I’ll likely be fighting off tears or feeling intensely lonely or unsure of myself.

Email me. Pray with me. Ask me questions. Listen while I rant and make outlandish claims about men, relationships and sex.

Don’t let me brush it off. Give me space, but get up in my face from time to time.

I don’t want cut myself off from you because I’m so desperate to avoid seeing him and therefore am avoiding places where that might happen. It’s like divorced parents sharing custody of a former life! 

I would love it if you would pursue me and encourage me. To tell me that I’m alright. To help replenish my dwindling self worth with your thoughtfulness and your time.

It probably sounds a little selfish and possibly a little over the top - we all have busy, challenging lives. But at this point I’d rather swallow my pride and ask than spend more nights sitting at home on my own, feeling at a loss as to know how to reintegrate myself in this new context.

Just a heads up; saying things like ‘let me/us know if you need anything’ is entirely unhelpful.  I don’t really know how to articulate what I need on any given day and even if I did know, I’d be too embarrassed to have to ask. 

But I like it when people make time for me. When they do thoughtful things and involve me in their lives - distractions are very welcome. 

So if you can spare a moment for any or all of the above, I’d be really grateful.  But I know that we’re all busy so I’m not expecting you to swing from the chandeliers for me - although I would find that entertaining so maybe don’t rule it out just yet…